ENCOURAGING WORDS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
Some of the worst beatings I’ve ever taken come from the hands of Christian parenting books. You know, those books listing the 5, 8, or 10 steps parents can take to guarantee their kids will grow up without incident to become spiritually healthy, wealthy, and wise. The "do these things" and "that will happen" approach somehow always leaves me smarting. I remember taking a severe beating from one book only to get to the last page - a page emblazoned with "Meet the Author" across the top. I felt much better when I noticed the pummeling had come from a writer who obviously had lots of extra time on her hands to write books. Believe it or not, she didn’t have kids.
From time to time I’ve run across a parenting book that reads like a breath of fresh air - a book that is challenging and direct while being pastoral and encouraging at the same time. Eugene Peterson, professor of Spiritual Theology at Regent College and author of The Message, draws from his experience as a father and pastor in one such book, Like Dew Your Youth: Growing Up With Your Teenager (Eerdmanns, 1998: 117 pages, ISBN 0-8028-0116-1).
In a day and age where teenagers are sometimes by adults seen as an interruption, nuisance, or sickness, Peterson challenges readers to see the period of adolescence as "a gift, God’s gift, to the parent in middle-age." With passion, compassion, hopefulness, and humility, Peterson leads his readers to see that "like dew youth are a temporary feature in the lives of parents." But Peterson never encourages readers to count down the months and days until the phase passes. Instead, he offers parents practical advice to help them "grow up" with their teenager.
Peterson’s purpose and approach are refreshing. He argues that we make a big mistake if we fall into the all-too-common trap of believing that adolescence is a problem that must be solved. Instead, he insists that it is an experience to be entered into by parents as well as teens as a means for growing up. We grow and mature with our kids.
In the first paragraphs of chapter 1, Peterson tells readers to rest assured that there are no perfect families and no perfect teens - something we all need to hear! He writes, "There are no well-adjusted adolescents. Adolescence is, by definition, maladjustment. And getting adjusted is a strenuous and often noisy process."
Then, he proceeds to challenge parents to recognize that "adolescence is not only the process designed by the Creator to bring children to adulthood, it is also designed by the Creator to provide something essential for parents during correspondingly critical years in their lives. Christian parents are most advantageously placed to recognize, appreciate, and receive this gift God so wisely provides."
One of the most valuable aspects of Like Dew Your Youth is Peterson’s emphasis on grace: "I write (this book) not to instruct parents on how to guide their children through the years of adolescence with as little discomfort and embarrassment as possible, but to encourage parents to embrace the experience offered to them by their adolescent children as a gift from God, a means of grace for themselves to mature into ‘wisdom and favor with men and God.’" Peterson clarifies his remarks by assuring readers that even though he calls adolescence a gift, that doesn’t mean it will turn out to be loads and loads of fun for everybody involved. In fact, the Biblical idea of "Grace" usually includes rather than precludes pain and bewilderment. It is that pain and bewilderment God uses to lead us to the "measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ."
Each of the books twelve chapters address a common teenage phrase you may have in fact heard from the mouths of your own adolescent babes. Some of the chapter titles are "I’ll dress the way I want!" "I’m not going to church!", "If you loved me, you’d let me!", and "You’re nothing but a hypocrite!". Interestingly enough, each of the chapter titles ends with an exclamation mark. . . . except for one. Can you guess what it is? How about "Can I have the car tonight?"
Like Dew Your Youth is a book that must be read by all parents and youth workers. While it can be read alone, the book’s twelve chapters suit it well for use in a small group or quarterly adult education elective. The chapters are short, readable, and engaging. Each is followed with a series of study/discussion questions. In the book’s appendix, Peterson lays out guidelines for establishing "parent coalitions." These are groups Peterson has established in his own congregation over the course of twenty years for the purpose of bringing parents together to share their troubles, insights, concerns, prayers, and strengths. In effect, they are a place for Christian parents to grow in community and competence.
There’s no doubt that the Biblically-based Like Dew Your Youth will offer a refreshing and encouraging perspective on your son or daughter’s teen years. It’s a book that "builds up" rather than "beats up." That alone makes it worth reading.
-Walt Mueller