I remember that many of the arguments in the neighborhood of my childhood included go-to sentences thrown back-and-forth between the boys who found themselves at odds with each other. Sometimes these words preceded punches, but oftentimes these words were the punches themselves. “Cheaters never prosper!” was one that came up whenever skirting the rules or fudging on the score was being debated. There were times when the kids would be at a loss for a cutting remark. . . and they would resort to a negative comment about someone’s mother.
One phrase I remember coming up perhaps more than any other was this: “The truth hurts!” In the context of being verbally attacked, it was that phrase that actually may have hurt more than the truth itself. It was being wielded as a weapon rather than as something which would serve to build up a friend.
As I’ve gotten older, I hope that experience, wisdom, an understanding of the truth of the Scriptures, along with experiencing depth in friendships has convinced me of the fact that “the truth helps”. . . yes, even sometimes when it’s initial landing feels a bit hurtful.
In the book of Proverbs, we are told that “Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend: profuse are the kisses of an enemy.” (Proverbs 27:5&6). Rather than playing by the cultural narrative which expects us to affirm, agree with, and flatter others. . . even when their choices are hurting themselves, we need to be truth-tellers. The ninth commandment forbids the bearing of false witness. The path we are called to take in our marriages, friendships, parenting, and yes. . . our youth ministries. . . require us to show love by grace-fully telling those we love the truth. . . at all times. . . even when we think it might land in ways that seem hurtful or be outright rejected. It’s not wielding a verbal hammer, but rather lovingly saying to another, “I love you enough to tell you the truth.”
When I interviewed Noelle Mering a couple of years ago, something she said has stuck with me: “It really is a disservice to other human beings to think that we help people by aiding them in living outside of what is true.” It was another reminder of our need to tell the truth. . . all the time. Sometimes the truth that lands with a bit of hurt (none of us like to be challenged, do we?), will actually wind up to serve us with healing power.
These thoughts were sparked this morning as I read these words from Tim Keller on “Friendship in Action”, which I encourage you to read and ponder. . .
Christian friends support one another through spiritual transparency. They are not only to honestly confess their own sins to each other (James 5:16), but they are to lovingly point out their friends’ sins if he or she is blind to them (Romans 15:14). You should give your Christian friends ‘hunting licenses’ to confront you if you are failing to live in in line with your commitments (Galatians 6:1). Christian friends are to stir one another up, even provoking one another to get them off dead center (Hebrews 10:24). This isn’t to happen infrequently but should happen at a very concrete level every day (Hebrews 13:13). Christian friends admit wrongs, offer or ask forgiveness (Ephesians 4:32), and take steps to reconcile when one disappoints another (Matthew 5:23ff; 18:15ff.).
We are living in a world full of lies, and the enemy wants nothing more than to derail God’s image-bearers and His followers away from that which is good, true, right, and honorable. Will we give and receive truth. . . even when it is hard? You need it. I need it. We all need it.