A few years ago I watched as a cute little two-year-old girl took on her parents in the middle of a crowded airport concourse. I’m sure you’ve encountered something like this in your own life. . . perhaps in a store. She jumped up and down, screamed her demands over and over, and eventually won-out as her parents caved and gave in. Her cuteness diminished quickly. And while she won the confrontation, she really was losing out.
As God’s providence would have it, I witnessed this high volume drama as I was waiting for my next flight. I was reading The Collapse of Parenting: How We Hurt Our Kids When We Treat Them Like Grown-Ups, a new book-at-the-time by physician and psychologist Leonard Sax. An out-spoken critic of new-fangled approaches to parenting that hurt rather than help our kids, Sax offers compelling evidence to back-up his claim that while parents are spending more and more time and money on parenting, things are getting worse with our kids rather than better.
Dr. Sax would say that among parents of children, pre-teens, and teenagers there’s been a massive transfer of authority from parents to their kids. We value our kids’ opinions and preferences too much. He writes, “In many families what kids think and what kids like and what kids want matters as much, or more, than what their parents think and like and want.” Sax believes that we as parents are prone these days to suffer from “role confusion.” And by abdicating our parental authority, kids no longer learn about beliefs and behaviors from dad and mom. Instead, they learn from their peers. . . who are equally immersed in a culture of disrespect.
What are some practical steps we can take to remedy this situation and keep our relationship with our kids in proper perspective? Dr. Sax offers three prescriptions.
First, we must teach humility. The reality is that humility has become the most un-American of virtues. But humility is a virtue taught and modeled by Christ. In today’s world, we are told to look out for ourselves, think highly of ourselves, and use others as a means to our ends. Teaching our kids to pursue lives of humility leads to gratitude, appreciation, and contentment. Sax says that limiting our teen’s use of social media while requiring them to contribute to the family through chores is a good starting point.
I was thinking about biblical humility again this morning when I read this commentary in the Ligonier Ministries’ TableTalk Daily Devotional: “The Venerable Bede writes that ‘someone who lives in a humble and wise way will give more evidence of his standing before God than any number of words could ever do.’ . . . our culture frequently celebrates not the humble but those who boast in themselves. Yet the Lord loves meekness. One of the wisest men in Scripture, Moses, is noted for his meekness (Num. 12:3). Here we understand that meekness is not weakness. The meek person is one who has a right view of himself as a creature who is to be humble in the sight of God, waiting for the Lord to exalt him at the proper time (1 Peter 5:6). Meek people honestly assess themselves, not thinking more highly of themselves than they ought (Rom. 12:3).”
Doesn’t the Bible teach us that we are to “Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord” (I Corinthians 1:31)?
Second, we need to just enjoy the time we spend with our teenagers. When you are with your teen, devote yourself completely to your teen. Put your phone down. Turn off the TV. Forget your emails. And finally, don’t cram your kid’s life so full of activities that you’ve got no margins for relaxed time to spend together. Easier said than done, I know. . . but that’s a tragedy. Time is flying friends. Don’t miss out. . . please!
And finally, help your teen see that the primary purpose of their education should to prepare them for a life of virtuous living, rather than a life of performing in order to make money. In other words, don’t reinforce the middle-class achievement script, but undermine it instead.
The writer of Proverbs tells us to “Train up a child in the way he should go. . .” Is that what you’re doing? Here are some practical thoughts based on these words of Proverbs 22:6. . . .
The book of Proverbs – a book of wisdom – reminds parents in Proverbs 22:6 of their responsibility to teach and train their children in ways that reorient children and teens away from a lifestyle of selfishness and towards a wise and prudent way of life that steers clear of danger (v. 22:5).
Proverbs 22:6 offers multiple levels of wise and good advice to parents. First, parents are the ones who are to provide training. In our current culture, this means that we don’t leave the moral education of our kids up to the media, peer group, or prevailing spirit of the times. As parents, God has given us both authority and a duty to take charge. Second, we must recognize and respect our kids’ God-given bents and abilities. In other words, “the way he should go” takes into account their God-given uniqueness. We must help them discover and use their distinct gifts and abilities. Finally, the effort we put into obediently following God’s command to train our kids will result in our kids growing up with the opportunity to choose to live by the course we’ve charted for them as we’ve encouraged them choose God’s wise way rather than their own foolish path. While it’s not a hard-and-fast promise, it is a general statement of how things will most likely turn out.
Are you parenting your kids with wisdom?
Take some time to listen to this conversation we had with Dr. Leonard Sax on our Youth Culture Matters podcast. . .