Ever since I can remember I’ve seen and referred to the developmental period of Adolescence as “an earthquake.” I experienced a bit of that first-hand, albeit in a relatively low-level on the Richter Scale. Back in the day, I might have answered “9.9!” if you had asked me about what that earthquake felt like in my life. Granted, that would have been an exaggeration then and it certainly was a huge exaggeration as I look back on it all now. But like all kids going through that period in our Post World War II world, I was confused as my whole world both inside and out begin to shake, rattle, and roll with changes physically (ugghh!), socially, cognitively (still working through that one!), spiritually, and emotionally.
Relative to what our kids are facing and going through during the adolescent years in today’s world, my experience may have actually been a 1.1 magnitude. Even though I was confused by what I was feeling and then seeing in the mirror, I had support systems in place that are oftentimes absent in today’s world. . . things like a loving family, a church community, and the positive peer influence of my youth group. In a world where those resiliency-building institutions have vanished for so many kids, navigating the normal changes that come with adolescence are exacerbated by a growing catalog of Adverse Childhood Experiences that make it all that much harder for kids. It’s hard enough to find answers to the basic questions of adolescence: “Who am I?”, “What do I believe?”, and “Where do I belong?” Pile on the added expecations, problems, challenges, and pressures. . . and well, kids who say they’re living in a 9.9 magnitude are far more correct that I ever was. It’s tough being a kid today. And the kids we are talking about who fall into that period of time no are no longer just the 13 to 18-year-olds who were part of that stage 50 years ago. Now, some developmental experts cite numerous reasons for adolescence starting as young as age 8 and lasting even into a person’s mid-thirties!
This is all fresh on my mind as last weekend I spent a day with youth workers talking about the universal human quest to discover one’s identity in a culture that has lost it’s knowledge of God, leading to an understanding that your quest to discover who you are is one that doesn’t travel down the road of transcendence where your identity is something given to you. Instead, the current cultural narrative is telling our kids to embrace a kind of self-sovereignty where you create your identity based on how you feel and who you feel at any given time. For those of us who are followers of Christ who understand our Other-defined-and-given identity, this new road our kids are following leads to a disastrous dead-end.
The identity-quest is front-and-center in today’s world. Kids looking for an answer to that universal “Who am I?” question can tap into a million answer-options just by spending time online. . . and they are. These are conversations that parents and youth workers must engage in, with biblically-based answers being shared as road maps to keep our kids off the disastrous dead-end highways and on the narrow road that leads to life and human flourishing.
I just finished reading a brand-new book from Dr. Justin Poythress that sets us in a brilliant and readable way on the proper path. Who Am I And What Am I Doing With My Life?: Finding Stability And Purpose In Jesus is a a book I highly recommend! Justin and I had a chance to talk about the issue of identity and social media on the latest episode of Youth Culture Matters podcast, and I encourage you to listen in (see the episode player below). By the way, Justin is quite engaging!
In his book, Justin shared some words regarding the cultural narrative that I had not ever heard before. Written by the late Virginia Satir, known in some circles as “the mother of family therapy”, her words are titled “Declaration of Self-Esteem.” Want to know the identity narrative our kids marinate in today? Consider Satir’s declaration:
I am me.
In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. There are persons who have some parts like me, but no one adds up exactly like me. Therefore, everything that come out of me is authentically mine because I alone chose it.
I own everything about me : my body, including everything it does; my mind, including all its thoughts and ideas; my eyes, including the images of all they behold; my feelings , whatever they may be: anger, joy, frustration, love, disappointment, excitement; my mouth, and all the words that come out of it: polite, sweet or rough, correct or incorrect; my voice, loud or soft; and all my actions, whether they be to others or to myself.
I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears.
I own all my triumphs and successes , all my failures and mistakes.
Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me . by so doing, I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts. I can then make it possible for all of me to work in my best interests.
I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know. But as long as II am friendly and living to myself, I can courageously y and hopefully look for the solutions to the puzzles and for ways to find out more about me
However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is me. This is authentic and represents where I am at that moment in time.
When I review later how I looked and sounded, what I said and did, and how I thought and felt, some parts may turn out to be unfitting. I can discard that which is unfitting , and jeep that which proved fitting, and invent something new for that which I discarded.
I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people an things outside of me.
I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me.
I am me and I am okay.
Sure, there’s some truth in there. But when taken in context, this nothing but a declaration about creating one’s own identity. Is there a statement that’s better?
At the end of my time with youth workers last weekend I had them stand together as I always do when we are talking about identity. Together, we recited the beautiful, life-giving, and true words from Question 1 in The Heidelberg Catechism. Give these a look and share them with every young person you know. . .
What is your only comfort in life and in death?
That I am not my own, but belong—body and soul, in life and in death—
to my faithful Savior, Jesus Christ.
He has fully paid for all my sins with his precious blood,
and has set me free from the tyranny of the devil.
He also watches over me in such a way
that not a hair can fall from my head without the will of my Father in heaven;
in fact, all things must work together for my salvation.
Because I belong to him, Christ, by his Holy Spirit, assures me of eternal life
and makes me wholeheartedly willing and ready from now on to live for him.
Lord, save us, and our kids, from ourselves.