Just a couple of years into my own marriage, I was a seminary student working at a beautiful historic hotel on the picturesque North Short of Boston. As the evening manager, it was often my responsibility to offers tours and information on the formal banquet room to families planning a wedding. One of the standard questions I would ask is this: “How many guests do you anticipate attending your reception?” On more than one occasion I received an education on some cultural shifts taking place regarding marriage. This is the answer I would hear: “Oh, we think there will be about 50 people at the wedding ceremony at the church. But we’ll have 250 joining us here at the reception to party once we are done with the stuff at the church.”

After growing up in a Christian home, having our own Christian wedding ceremony in a church where there were more people at the ceremony than at the reception, and after reading and studying God’s plan for marriage as both an undergrad and seminary student, this answer was always a surprise. . . even shocking as I remember it. There was definitely a cultural shift taking place.

In today’s world, generally speaking, the exorbitant amount of time and money spent on wedding preparations are not funneled into getting a couple ready for everything that comes after the ceremony and reception, but rather on things that are what might be called “showy”. . . like rings, dresses, flowers, food, etc. The trend seems to be spending everything on the day, rather than the lifetime that follows.

The cultural narrative is one that needs to be re-written, for sure. In a social media saturated world where we see ourselves as performers and function as such, even marriages have paid a steep price. And, if this is what our kids grow up believing a marriage really is, then we’ve done them a huge dis-service as we’ve nurtured them into either a rude awakening for which they are not prepared, or even marital failure. Parents, youth workers, and pastors. . . we need to do better.

This morning I was reading an excerpt from Tim and Kathy Keller’s book, The Meaning of Marriage. It’s the book’s subtitle that speaks volumes to what we need to be reminding ourselves of and teaching our kids: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God. It’s a book I recommend and one from which you should teach. . . both yourselves and the kids under your care. Perhaps it could also be titled, What I Wish I Knew Before I Got Married.

As you think about marriage, both what it really is and what it has become, here’s an excerpt that I trust will serve to correct the false narrative we’ve come to believe. . .

A man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery. . . . Ephesians 5:31–32

I’m tired of listening to sentimental talks on marriage. At weddings, in church, and in Sunday school, much of what I’ve heard on the subject has as much depth as a Hallmark card. While marriage is many things, it is anything but sentimental. Marriage is glorious but hard. It’s a burning joy and strength, and yet it is also blood, sweat, and tears, humbling defeats and exhausting victories. No marriage I know more than a few weeks old could be described as a fairy tale come true. Therefore, it is not surprising that the only phrase in Paul’s famous discourse on marriage in Ephesians 5 that many couples can relate to is verse 32, printed above. Sometimes you fall into bed, after a long, hard day of trying to understand each other, and you can only sigh: “This is all a profound mystery!” At times, your marriage seems to be an unsolvable puzzle, a maze in which you feel lost.

I believe all this, and yet there’s no relationship between human beings that is greater or more important than marriage. In the Bible’s account, God himself officiates at the first wedding (Genesis 2:22–25). And when the man sees the woman, he breaks into poetry and exclaims, “At last!”1 Everything in the text proclaims that marriage, next to our relationship to God, is the most profound relationship there is. And that is why, like knowing God himself, coming to know and love your spouse is difficult and painful yet rewarding and wondrous.

The most painful, the most wonderful—this is the Biblical understanding of marriage, and there has never been a more important time to lift it up and give it prominence in our culture.

Lord, set us straight. . . all for our good and for Your glory!

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